is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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