i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
