I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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