My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
