when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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