i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
