bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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