OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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