The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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