Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
