Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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