i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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