I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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