life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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