Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Can I color on your dick again?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
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