those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
