Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
