i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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