Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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