Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize