Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
