My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize