I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I see more hoeing in ur future
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