when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
