It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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