dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
