he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize