Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
