My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
