apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
