Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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