I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize