My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Farmville is her only friend.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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