when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
