Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
