He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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