please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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