Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I would ride that face into the sunset
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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