FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
