new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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