Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
