hotel room ftw
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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