he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
