The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
