I just cut my nipple shaving
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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