Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
