My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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