He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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