just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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