Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
