My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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