Please, let me fuck your mom
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
