Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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