i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize