So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I have already put on my inside pants.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
