fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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