I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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