Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
