Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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