Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
