I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
