I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Randomize
