We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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