He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
