trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
