Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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