My liver just broke up with me...
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
