I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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