I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
