You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize